hopeful

a scene of hopefulness captured during James Benedict's first month birthday.
Kuya JP wishing and praying that we'll be able to bring his baby brother home.



and a mom full of hope.

but little did i know that on this day, Ruben talked to James' doctors and was keeping the development to himself because he doesn't know how to break it to me. this was the day when he learned that it will take a miracle to heal James.

during James' hospitalization, Ruben was the one involved. i cannot stand hearing from doctors that James chances are slim. it was Ruben who would deal with the hospital, the doctors and the nurses. my role is to simply visit my baby. i didn't have to think about other things except that.

he was my strength.
and i could hardly imagine how he felt as we were celebrating James' first month birthday, keeping the reality from me.

after our son died, he got to tell me he learned about James' need for a miracle a day before i did. i got to talk to the doctor the day after James' first month. that was when i learned of the gravity of his situation.

it was the day when Ruben and i both cried the hardest.
there is simply no way of easing the pain of knowing that you are about to lose your son.

sharing our story

it has been a crazy roller coaster ride.
and i don't even know how to start describing the journey.

through it all, we have our families and our friends to keep us going.
even strangers helped us with James.
with that, we are so grateful.

God is indeed kind.

throughout James' hospitalization, i've kept a journal.

and my blog is my personal online journal.
i feel better writing down my feelings.
hopefully, sharing our experience will help us recover from losing our baby.

there isn't a time when i do not shed tears while in front of the computer.
seeing his pictures. thinking hard on what could have possibly went wrong.

it's okay.
i feel my son when i cry.

i cry because he's gone...
and we'll never be able to hold him...
i cry because...
we've waited years for his coming...

in spite of the pain i feel when i cry for him,
it is the feeling afterwards that makes me go on.
the feeling of hopefulness.

in God's time, we will be with James Benedict.

...

it has been 19 days.
19 days of longing. 19 days of wishing. 19 days of what could have beens.

it was a bitter sweet Christmas.
we were blessed with James Benedict on Christmas day.
but he was called to be an angel 37 days after.

37 days of needles. pricking. tubes and machines. tests.
xrays. meds. transfusions. doctors. nurses.
37 days of suffering.

i was never given a chance to hold my baby in my arms.
and an incubator separated us from feeling each other.
i can spend only15 minutes with him in the nursery ICU.
i wasn't given a chance to show him a mommy.

and everyday passes with missing him.
so many questions in my head. so many if onlys and what ifs.

my heart is broken.
a piece of it was buried with James.
how do we go on? how do i move on?

how can i start mending my broken heart?

a peek to our New Year

it was mommy's first time to see James open his eyes.

this was on New Year's Day. at exactly the time when James turned 1-week old.

cheers to a blessed New Year from my family to yours.

tna, ruben, JP and James

our Christmas present

it was Christmas eve and as we were welcoming the Lord's day,
the birth of our baby James Benedict came unexpectedly.

my family and I are asking for a minute of your time to spare a little whisper of prayer
for strength, that James Benedict may beat the odds of premature birth.
that the Lord will firmly hold him in His hands as we wait for his physical being to mature
to be able to survive in this world.

we wish you all prosperity and blessings in the coming New Year

God bless.
Ruben, Tna and JP

under the weather

this was him in the morning...



and this was him before bedtime...



i am not sure if you have noticed the sudden change in the morning breeze yesterday (how funny it has to start on the first day of December). it usually gets too hot by midmorning but yesterday, it was so cool until before lunch. until, the sun blazed it's best at noon.

this was probably the reason why the boy felt under the weather. and i have to say, i am not feeling great either. i can already feel the onset of cough and colds. oh my.

i hope you are all being pretty careful. flu season is here. stay healthy and safe.

December Inspiration

Hello Blog. Page. Site. Journal. Still remember me? :)

I was online a couple of days ago and an ex-coworker pinged me. It has been a year since he visited my blog (yeah that long, he resigned Christmas week last year to get married). It struck me that there are still those who visit and remember.

I was also browsing through Ali's December Daily posts. Got me inspired to really get to starting my December Daily album this year. As I told a friend, it isn't every year that I get to experience Christmas while pregnant, why not document it. It will really be special.

Why do the Yuletide have this effect on people (or is it just hormones)?. I guess, it is the only time when we tend to push back our worries and just be merry, right?

So what else can I do but go over our Christmas pictures and reminisce. Look for the most interesting one I can find and update my blog. The photo in my header was one of our son's 2008 wishes. Hmmm. Santa (we) didn't get to grant it completely though I think he was pretty satisfied with the 5 Bacugans he received.

It's the first of December (another start, another beginning) and I am embarking in a lot of projects. I am (hopefully) going to finish these, now that I have more inspiration (I guess more like an inclination to use up my Christmas papers).

And so to all of you who still visit this page: "may you have the inspiration to accomplish a lot not just this Holidays but every day of the year." :)