a blank

page. post.

been blank for quite sometime.
don't really know how to fill the blank up.

longing for normalcy.
and our constant companion has been the tv.
series.
grey's anatomy. glee. private practice. csi.
we even marathon anime.

you? what's your remedy for a blank day?

lovely...

...images from a candle i made from old brown ones.

the wick separated when i was drying the candle.

it produced this image when i lighted it.

simply amazing.

Kuya JP: Our Little {BIG} Star

he likes singing and dancing.

i am really {crossing my fingers} hoping that he won't outgrow this,

once he realizes that he is old enough to be embarrassed performing in front of a crowd.

school is out

and we concluded it with Kuya JP's Recognition and Reading Recital program.

We couldn't be prouder and happier.

after the program {on our ride home}, Kuya JP mentioned that he wanted James to study in the same school, that is if James weren't an angel.

i guess, somehow he understands that his brother will never live with us here, today.

but i am thankful that his innocence has spared him from painfully grieving the loss of our baby.

life after James

after what happened to my family,

i am not so sure i can go back to doing the things i love doing
without being reminded of James.
i have been itching to scrap but every time i attempt to,
i would go in our hobby room
and be reminded that it should have been our nursery.

it just is so difficult.
but you have got to try.
you can never afford to be depressed,
instead,
you find ways to deal with it.



so i gathered up those rusting bobbins
and
thought of more projects.



love that star wars fabric,
it'll be a cute addition to our boys' room.

life goes on

today marks your 40th day, our angel.

life goes on.

and we have to move on.

but amidst the sadness, we rely on you for strength.

strength to go on.

for you our baby.

we miss you, James.

a day before it all happened...

january 30, 2010 ~ saturday

there was this "grateful" feeling enveloping me when i was praying. i was thanking God for giving and blessing us with James Benedict. i remembered "that" feeling when i did the test and I was almost screaming when i told Ruben it was positive. the joy we (Ruben, JP and i) feel whenever we feel James kick from inside my tummy.

yes, there are times when i feel the stab in my heart knowing that we can lose James anytime. yes, i cry every time i think about the pain he has been through since he was born on Christmas day.

i have been to that point when i was already bargaining some years from the Lord... to lend James Benedict to us for a few years... that He would allow us to let James Benedict feel some loving, experience the happiness of having a family so that he would know how it is to be without pain.

...

it is so unfortunate that we had to lose you my baby.

but knowing that our loss is heaven's gain gives us peace.

you are now safely cradled in our Lord's arms.

hopeful

a scene of hopefulness captured during James Benedict's first month birthday.
Kuya JP wishing and praying that we'll be able to bring his baby brother home.



and a mom full of hope.

but little did i know that on this day, Ruben talked to James' doctors and was keeping the development to himself because he doesn't know how to break it to me. this was the day when he learned that it will take a miracle to heal James.

during James' hospitalization, Ruben was the one involved. i cannot stand hearing from doctors that James chances are slim. it was Ruben who would deal with the hospital, the doctors and the nurses. my role is to simply visit my baby. i didn't have to think about other things except that.

he was my strength.
and i could hardly imagine how he felt as we were celebrating James' first month birthday, keeping the reality from me.

after our son died, he got to tell me he learned about James' need for a miracle a day before i did. i got to talk to the doctor the day after James' first month. that was when i learned of the gravity of his situation.

it was the day when Ruben and i both cried the hardest.
there is simply no way of easing the pain of knowing that you are about to lose your son.

sharing our story

it has been a crazy roller coaster ride.
and i don't even know how to start describing the journey.

through it all, we have our families and our friends to keep us going.
even strangers helped us with James.
with that, we are so grateful.

God is indeed kind.

throughout James' hospitalization, i've kept a journal.

and my blog is my personal online journal.
i feel better writing down my feelings.
hopefully, sharing our experience will help us recover from losing our baby.

there isn't a time when i do not shed tears while in front of the computer.
seeing his pictures. thinking hard on what could have possibly went wrong.

it's okay.
i feel my son when i cry.

i cry because he's gone...
and we'll never be able to hold him...
i cry because...
we've waited years for his coming...

in spite of the pain i feel when i cry for him,
it is the feeling afterwards that makes me go on.
the feeling of hopefulness.

in God's time, we will be with James Benedict.

...

it has been 19 days.
19 days of longing. 19 days of wishing. 19 days of what could have beens.

it was a bitter sweet Christmas.
we were blessed with James Benedict on Christmas day.
but he was called to be an angel 37 days after.

37 days of needles. pricking. tubes and machines. tests.
xrays. meds. transfusions. doctors. nurses.
37 days of suffering.

i was never given a chance to hold my baby in my arms.
and an incubator separated us from feeling each other.
i can spend only15 minutes with him in the nursery ICU.
i wasn't given a chance to show him a mommy.

and everyday passes with missing him.
so many questions in my head. so many if onlys and what ifs.

my heart is broken.
a piece of it was buried with James.
how do we go on? how do i move on?

how can i start mending my broken heart?

a peek to our New Year

it was mommy's first time to see James open his eyes.

this was on New Year's Day. at exactly the time when James turned 1-week old.

cheers to a blessed New Year from my family to yours.

tna, ruben, JP and James

our Christmas present

it was Christmas eve and as we were welcoming the Lord's day,
the birth of our baby James Benedict came unexpectedly.

my family and I are asking for a minute of your time to spare a little whisper of prayer
for strength, that James Benedict may beat the odds of premature birth.
that the Lord will firmly hold him in His hands as we wait for his physical being to mature
to be able to survive in this world.

we wish you all prosperity and blessings in the coming New Year

God bless.
Ruben, Tna and JP

under the weather

this was him in the morning...



and this was him before bedtime...



i am not sure if you have noticed the sudden change in the morning breeze yesterday (how funny it has to start on the first day of December). it usually gets too hot by midmorning but yesterday, it was so cool until before lunch. until, the sun blazed it's best at noon.

this was probably the reason why the boy felt under the weather. and i have to say, i am not feeling great either. i can already feel the onset of cough and colds. oh my.

i hope you are all being pretty careful. flu season is here. stay healthy and safe.

December Inspiration

Hello Blog. Page. Site. Journal. Still remember me? :)

I was online a couple of days ago and an ex-coworker pinged me. It has been a year since he visited my blog (yeah that long, he resigned Christmas week last year to get married). It struck me that there are still those who visit and remember.

I was also browsing through Ali's December Daily posts. Got me inspired to really get to starting my December Daily album this year. As I told a friend, it isn't every year that I get to experience Christmas while pregnant, why not document it. It will really be special.

Why do the Yuletide have this effect on people (or is it just hormones)?. I guess, it is the only time when we tend to push back our worries and just be merry, right?

So what else can I do but go over our Christmas pictures and reminisce. Look for the most interesting one I can find and update my blog. The photo in my header was one of our son's 2008 wishes. Hmmm. Santa (we) didn't get to grant it completely though I think he was pretty satisfied with the 5 Bacugans he received.

It's the first of December (another start, another beginning) and I am embarking in a lot of projects. I am (hopefully) going to finish these, now that I have more inspiration (I guess more like an inclination to use up my Christmas papers).

And so to all of you who still visit this page: "may you have the inspiration to accomplish a lot not just this Holidays but every day of the year." :)

it's been a while...

...and even i have to admit that i missed a lot by not going online. well, that's what happen when technology advances so fast that a few-years-old computer may be considered obsolete in just a short period of time. but good thing my brother is a computer expert and he was able to keep the thing running despite the fact that it wants to die on us already. hihihi.

i really hope that i could drop by and say hi to everyone who had been wishing me well. but if i fail to do so, this message goes out to you. :) {thank you for your concern}

off to some great news. we are 16 weeks into the pregnancy (yes! our JP is going to be a big - and we mean really BIG brother soon) and we are all so very excited. so far, we are coming along well aside from some required bed rest during the first trimester (that didn't contribute to much online activities either). but hopefully, everything will be smooth sailing (for my sanity's sake please, hihihi) i don't have a very nice pregnancy history so i really am keeping my fingers crossed that this time will be different.

and to all you out there, i wish you all well. i will leave you with a picture that amuses me lately. same pose different day of this pretty girl {i hope my baby will look as pretty as her, if i were to have a girl}.

i am 7!

"and that is the sludge-of-a-birthday-cake my momma made" :)
joaquin on his 7th birthday

{still can't believe our baby is now seven}

bumming around

i love it when i have too much time on my hands. i get to read a lot. sleep a lot. scrap a little. listen to music. watch a lot of tv. but that rarely happens so a little time for myself is what i look forward to when hubby is at home to take care of the little one.

i have been in front of the computer for 2 hours and got to download all AI Season 8 studio recordings. Twilight music score. HSM 2 and 3 (for my son). got to see New Moon's trailer too.

off to transfer the music to my phone then i'll still have a little time to bloghop.

a wonderful mid-week greetings. keep safe (it has been rain.sun.rain.sun everyday since last week)

8 years today

and counting...

it has been years of struggle. disappointments. hardship. love. misunderstandings. trust. quarrels. romance. giving.

but i wouldn't have it any other way.

these make me happy

because i can rarely grab the camera these days

this kind of shot makes me smile...



while this makes me laugh...



and this makes me, happy